An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore because I heard sometimes people like to go have sex in there. When I turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex." "Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?!"

Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special -- it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out: "Do you speak English?" asks Moshe. "Yes," replies the parrot. "Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe. "Si," replies the parrot. "Parlez-vouz Fransais?" asks Moshe. "Oui," replies the parrot. "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe. "Jawohl," replies the parrot. "Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe. "Sim," replies the parrot. Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?" The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"

A police officer was driving his patrol car down next to a beach when he noticed a man knee deep in the water holding two red things, he wasn't sure what they were. The officer made his way down the sand to meet the man standing in the water. As he approached he noticed that the two red things were lobsters. The officer said to the man "its illegal to be poaching for lobsters, you know." "What are you talking about?" he said startled, "these are my pet lobsters". "Sure they are!" replied the policeman. "No, I'm serious. I will throw them into the waves and call them back. They will come." "This I have to see," chuckled the officer. So the man launched the two lobsters back into the ocean and stood there watching them. "I thought you said you could call those two lobsters back," said the cop. "Lobsters?" replied the man, "What lobsters?"

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come... about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!" Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his nuts. His friend shook his head and said, "You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I get here? Her mother told her, "God sent you." "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also" the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."

15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet ass time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"

Just to Add to Your Christmas Mood...

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white,
I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee,
It's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF,
This small piece of Earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.

These jokes are taken from the "Laff-a-day" newsletter written by T.Z. at Gopher Central.com.

For: December, 18 2003

Okay, here's my second shot at writing the Ramblings, my first draft came off sounding like shit so I'm doin' it over again. Well we're halfway through our Senior year. Sad Face. Sad Face. Soon we'll never be seeing each other again. Yeah right, we're all gonna end up going to our second-rate Kentucky colleges and spending nights doing paintball wars on Main Street in O-Ville. Well, except for Tay-Money who's off the West Point the become a battle-hardened ass-kicking mutant machine! Oh well, sucks for him. As far as colleges go I'm actually starting to lean a little more toward MSU than EKU, I know the selection of ladies is gonna be worse but looking at the scholarships MSU is offering for Computer Sciences it's kinda got me thinkin'. Oh well, about this Christmas break, we need to do some shit, I'm already gonna try to get off work on the 27th for that basketball tourney but as far as that we're doing nothing. C'mon guys. Lets do somethin crazy this time, I don't want my entire Christmmas break to be me sitting at home, listening to Radiohead, trying to figure out Visual Basic; as fun as that all might sound. Speaking of Radiohead, they're da' band this week, go jam to them, NOW. Oh well, Check ya'll later!!

Hey guys! Drop Me a line!!

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